I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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