perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
