ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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