Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
