I CAN MOONWALK!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
