I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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