Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
