we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
