I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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