plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize