I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
