There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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