Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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