Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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