he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
