I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
