good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
