oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
