Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
