and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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