I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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