I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's never too late to be topless.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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