we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
