I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Randomize
