Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
