I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
