Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
