I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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