How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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