My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
