I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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