the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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