you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
