I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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