yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sponge bath it is.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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