dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
