I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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