Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
