I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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