its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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