the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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