is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
