Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
