every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Two words: nipple clamps
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