Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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