my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You need a sexual gate keeper
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
there is glitter all over my balls
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