I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
