Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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