just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Randomize
