I need to stop coming to work sober
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
