Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize