dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
