he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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