my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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