You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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