8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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